Find Strength in Vulnerability

I recently discovered how it feels to be vulnerable. Apparently, I have been knee jerking the feeling away for quite sometime - likely since childhood. Now that I have experienced vulnerability and lived to tell about it, I am fascinated with the potential strength that vulnerability can unleash.

My recent experiences have identified a few different faces of vulnerability. In each situation, I arrived at the same vulnerable interlude but from very different angles. In the first scenario, I expressed some deep personal needs to a close friend, who then aggressively challenged my needs. In the other situation, I asserted some important personal boundaries to a stranger, but did so in a very public, very rude way. After the above scenes played themselves out, I was left feeling small and contracted, protective and fragile, guilty and ashamed. In summary, I felt like the weakest version of myself.

When I feel any of the above feelings, my immediate reaction is to do anything possible to reverse their progression. Even writing about these experiences makes me feel panicky. I hate, hate, hate to feel small, fragile and ashamed. I hate it so much that, after revealing my need for affection to a close friend, I would usually lash out in a way that would make affection towards me seem like a bad idea. I am so uncomfortable with feeling guilty that after previous conflicts with strangers, I have immediately called a like-minded friend in order to seek validation for my actions.

The common theme to both of my "vulnerable" experiences is that during each one, I was motivated by staying true to myself. With my close friend, I stuck my neck out to express needs that I had been trying to bury, but that kept creeping up regardless. Rather than retract my needs as previously stated or break out the emotional defenses that depended more on manipulation than sincerity, I stood my ground and let the vulnerability of laying it all out there set in.

Likewise, after I barked harshly at my stranger, I did not go externally to get judgment or validation. I gathered up my bad behavior and what was left of my self respect and spent several hours mulling over the proceeding emotions. I was conflicted because I had asserted myself in an important way, but had done so gracelessly. This made me feel proud, but immediately embarassed. Rather than call one of my amazingly supportive friends, I let myself feel this embarassment for a while, which helped me reconcyle everything internally first. Then, I called my friends to tell them the story, of course :-)

What I have discovered about feeling vulnerable is that treading in it for a bit doesn't kill you. Believe it or not, this is profound for me.

I have also found that my automatic responses to feeling vulnerable do not in fact make me less vulnerable, but rather less courageous. As I said above, these feelings surfaced when I expressed a need to someone that was then challenged. Apparently having needs makes me feel vulnerable. What I learned is that expressing these needs makes me courageous. Furthermore, not apologizing for these needs and open heartedly defending these needs makes me the bravest person on earth! (or at least the bravest version of myself :-)

I, for one, can not wait until the next time I feel vulnerable. I hope to harness that feeling of "Contracted Ashamed Protectiveness" and try to reinterpret it as "Unashamed Limitless Bravery".