Creating Space

About a year ago, I started to feel burned out with how I was spending my time. I am very active as a volunteer, and projects that I previously enjoyed began to feel like work. Rather than jump on my computer to answer emails from other volunteers or work on a plan for the next conference, I would avoid even turning my computer. I knew that this was a sign that I needed to re-evaluate my commitments and consider other ways to spend my time.

I developed a catch phrase for this process, "Creating Space." It might not seem very profound, but for me it was a varitable revelation. With the way I spend time, open space does not remain so fo very long. I love my planner, my to do lists and my email inbox. When I have nothing to do, I straighten my house, so as to feel productive. I fully admit that waking up on a day when I have nothing planned makes me anxious.

And yet, I long to develop a comfort with open space, or time without obligations. I still struggle with my meditation practice, and my biggest obstacle is a packed schedule that does not seem to allow time to sit. I want to walk my dogs daily, cook meals at home and spend time reading. All of these do not rise to the level of line item on my to do list or appointment in my planner, and many times they get bumped in favor of more active tasks.

As a result of my "Creating Space" campaign, I have let one of my volunteer positions go, and am wrapping up another in 6 months. Additionally, I have taken a part time job working longer shifts, but less of them per week. By clearing my schedule, creating that much coveted space, I was hoping to find myself reinspired. I figured all that was needed to reinvigorate was flexibility in my schedule. In support of this concept, the label of a tea bag that I opened the other day said, "Empty yourself and let the universe fill you." How fateful that I would get this message. It fit right into my personal campaign for meaning!

As this process has unfolded, however, I have developed misgivings about this whole creating space idea. As 2009 rounds its halfway point and marches towards autumn, I have days where all I do is read, walk the dogs and cook tomorrow's lunch today. All things I was hoping to have more time for, and yet I feel a range of unpleasant emotions - guilt for not doing "more" with my time, bored at doing the same "routine" things over and over again, and restless at wondering what is so great about free time.

In short, I wonder what constitutes a day well spent,and more importantly, who exactly validates how well I spend my day - my mother, my husband, my friends, or the infamous "they", experts in all things, including how days should be spent.

Maybe my schedule is not the only thing I need to empty. Clearly there are aspects of my approach to life that need rethinking. In my mind I need to create the space needed to validate how I spend my time. I need to take ownership of this concept and move forward unapologetically.