Feel the Fear - and Do It Anyway

I recently made a list of 10 things that I want for my life. It was an excellent exercise - although 10 may sound like a lot, it really forced me to prioritize. It also helped me identify how closely I am living my life towards these 10 ideals. After writing and rewriting this list, I determined that the thing I wanted most was "freedom from the fear."

I don't consider myself an overtly fearful person. Other than a healthy fear of small spaces and small airplanes, I don't necessarily shy away from challenges. I have survived giving speeches. I have taught yoga in front of 30 people, wearing moderately form fitting clothing when I didn't feel like being in form fitting clothes! I have eaten alone at popular restaurants, taken road trips by myself, and traveled in foreign countries alone.

The fear that plagues me is an undercurrent that holds me back from meaningful situations. It is the thought that makes me hesitate when expressing my true emotions, the self doubt that prevents me from trying new things. The insecurities that prevent me from expressing constructive criticism, or more boggling, stop me from sharing sincere praise and gratitude. It is the fear of feeling vulnerable, exposed for my deepest wishes, and utterly open to criticism. I find this absolutely terrifying!

Recently, this fear has come to play with my commitment to meditiation. I did not consider the awkwardness at having to step outside of my usual daily activities and excuse myself to meditate. I find myself too embarassed, at times, to tell my husband, "Ummm, don't bother me for 20 minutes, I am sitting quietly and breathing deeply." Instead of putting it out there, I wait until he goes to the gym or leaves for his office, and then I take my seat.

I know that this is self sabotage at its most ironic. It's not that my husband does not respect what I am doing. Granted, he has found it a little bizarre that his wife, who was previously cynical about all things religious, is suddenly talking about chakras and praying. Nonetheless, he is supportive and wants me to pursue this goal.

The reality behind my awkwardness is that I feel very exposed. I sincerely want a meditative practice, and yet I don't want anyone to see me struggle with this goal. I don't want my weaknesses out there - I don't want to appear "imperfect". I am also afraid of being made fun of, or mocked, and this kills me because I want to be credible in everything that I do. Too often I give in to the fear, foregoing meditation in order to avoid an awkward situation.

This fear is so subtle and yet so pervasive and inhibiting. My goal is to recognize when this subtle fear surfaces, and then subsequently influences my actions. Ideally, I can recognize the fear, push through it - and do what I am fearing anyway!