Diastolic Time

I just read the most amazing, almost over-my-head book ever... It is called "Crossing to Avalon" and it is by Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD. The book has multiple themes, many of which are based in myths and ancient stories that represent the potential depth and expansiveness of women. I finished the book yesterday. In one of the final chapters, I came across a lovely reference to the importance of taking time to nourish yourself. The best part about this excerpt is that it is set in medical terminology - the language of my beloved colleagues.

Here it is:

"We need time out of our everyday, outer-directed lives, and not just at major life transitions, when it is most adviseable, but regularly. I think metaphorically of how necessary it is that we have 'diastolic' time. For it is during diastole that the heart relaxes and fills. During systole, the heart contracts and sends a powerful stream of lifeblood out. For the heart to work and provide susenance to the whole body, it must relax and fill. And so must we."

How many ways do we take care of others? I do not have children, but I watch as my mommy and daddy friends (e.g. friends with kids) sacrifice hours on end meeting the spoken and unspoken needs of their children. Instead of kids, I take care of my husband and my dogs, and travel to my home town to take care of family there. I spend a great deal of time away from my family (Mom, sisters, brother, grandmother) drumming up ways to take care of them from a distance. As a healthcare provider, I take care of my patients and whenever possible, my colleagues. I also take care of my circle of local friends, and deliver virtual hugs to my extended network of long distance friends, in the form of emails, phone calls, cards and prayers.

Women and nurturing men find it easy to sacrifice themselves in order to take care of others. We intuitively know when others need us, and often try to deliver before anything is asked of us. We find it rewarding to "send a powerful stream of lifeblood out" to those we love. Dr. Bolen's words remind us that this lifeblood flows forward because we allow our heart to "relax and fill", to experience diastole. A heart that does not take the time to relax does not fill to its maximum, and has a decreased lifeblood flow - it sends out only a fraction of its potential.

This is the same for a woman or man who does not take time to nourish themselves. How well do you care for your children when you have not cared for yourself. My mommy and daddy friends tell stories of not showering or sleeping well for days, and being completely frustrated by the endless demands of their children. They feel like failures because they can not keep up or because they lose their tempers, and yet they are exhausted and overwhelmed. How can they be expected to deliver a full heart when they are not taking time to relax and fill?

In a small way, it is similar to when I work multiple shifts in a row at my job. After my fourth consecutive ten hour shift, I find that my compassion for my patients signficantly decreases. I may be treating a patient with the same exact symptoms as on my first shift, but my reaction to this latter patient is blunted by my exhaustion at doing nothing but eat, sleep and work for four days in a row. In addition, when I feel overwhelmed by obligations, I lose track of my local and long distance friends. When I lose the connection with my friends' lifeblood or pulse, I lose the ability to show up for them when they least expect it, but may need it most. As a woman who deeply values her connection to others, this leaves me feeling isolated and discontent.

Stepping off the cycle of self neglect and initiating a ritual of self nourishment is completely ignored, or never even realized, by many of those around me. We are taught to push through the frustrations, because if we can't overcome our overcrowded schedules, we will be considered failures. The key is to identify what helps you to relax and fill. For some of my friends, it is exercise. For others it is a nap and a bath. For me, it is a combination of exercise, yoga and meditation. I am also nourished by long conversations with best friends and a good book. Whatever works for you, it is time to simplify, slow down and get back to the basics. Once we make room for ourselves to relax and fill, we renew our ability to give back to others and ensure a powerful stream of lifeblood flow.